The Guide To Women: How To Survive Them
by GoatChese1001
Summary: I, Shikamaru Nara do not understand these troublesome creatures. They nag and are so constricting! Then again...why do I feel this way about that particular evil woman? Everything is just peachy but really? No.


**The Guide To Women: How To Survive Them**

**A/N: Hi hi! Hello you guys! Hope you enjoy, I originally wrote this story, oh gosh, about three years ago. I re-edited it some so its not entirely horrible. Nothing belongs to me besides the plot.

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Was I able to admit that after all of those adventures life was too troublesome? Of course I was after all everything is troublesome.

Naruto was off on another great adventure while I had to stay behind and be boring. I didn't think that my odd jobs around Konoha were very exciting. In fact, the Chunin Exams were the only thing that slightly took the edge off of my boredom.

I never thought I could miss all the times all the teams would go on missions as Genin, but every day I found myself in the past hiding from my boring life. Everyone was drifting farther apart even Ino and Chouji. I felt slightly distained and heavy about it. Even so there were two things that I knew I missed most of all in my life: cloud watching and the only troublesome woman I knew that was worse than my mother.

"Oi, Shikamaru!" I didn't know if that woman could see beyond my skin, I swear to god her eyes pierced my soul and every time she stared at me she knew what I was truly thinking. She was intimidating and she knew that. Even though I didn't show it on my face…my heart was racing faster with every step she took that brought her closer to me.

"Cheh, why are you so informal?"

"What's up with that greeting? Looks like someone put crabs down your pants," the woman inched closer and made a fake face of alarm.

"If you're going to be troublesome then I prefer you to leave me alone, I already wasted my time to greet you."

The woman stood outside of the Konoha gates and smirked, "Lighten up, you still have your job to do!"

She walked past me without a second glance and I trailed behind her hands in my pocket and looking up at the clouds desperately wishing that I could rest and watch them more intently.

I guess my wish had been granted because no sooner had I thought that I had tripped over a huge cart landing on my back.

I was too lazy to get up because it was such a nice spot in the dirt that I drowned out the cart owner's voice and pretended not to hear the snickers. Now, that was until there was the loudest, most annoying but the most irresistible laugh I had ever heard pierced my ears. I knew it was her laugh.

Score one for the women.

Attempting to hide from her I rolled my eyes and groggily made some hand signs and disappeared in a puff of smoke, "Hokage-sama, Temari of The Sand has just arrived…should we send out the doves and rose petals now?"

I had appeared in the Hokage's office in a cloud of smoke. By the looks of her face she was not in a good mood and wanted me out. She appeared drunk and was obviously close to alcohol poisoning, although it was hard to tell with the Hokage.

"Shikamaru…with each passing year your sarcasm becomes more displeasing. Now don't push your job away any further and go do it now!" The woman behind the Hokage's desk yelled.

I sighed and started to walk out of the door, "You know better than to walk back!" The Hokage shouted throwing a sake cup. It whizzed past my ear and smashed the rice alcohol outside in the hallway, "Shizune, clean up this damn mess!"

A concerned assistant ran past the smashed cup taking away the Hokage's sake bottle, "Tsunade-sama, how much sake have you had? Why aren't you doing your paperwork and why is Ton-Ton in the corner again?"

Recently the world was not a good place to be in. Nearly all of my old school mates were chasing after Sasuke (again) while the ones who weren't were out on missions. I heard gossip from Ino that the Frog Hermit disappeared and left the Hokage drinking more often than she usually did. I didn't know the details but I haven't been one to pry. The troublesome Ino did that just fine.

I knew staying any longer would shorten my life so with some hand motions I disappeared back to the meeting spot I had made with that the troublesome woman if we ever got separated from her almost daily visits to Konoha.

She was lying on her back with her eyes closed when I found her sleeping in my cloud watching spot. I took that moment to study her face.

It was tanned but ever so slightly and her eyelashes were the longest I had ever seen on a woman, not counting the fake ones that Ino used daily. He lips were full and without any lipstick. I liked it better that way anyway. Her nose was long and defined but not too big. Her hair was a blonde the color of the sand. It was tied in four infamous knots that were all too perfect. However something was different from the norm I noticed. I glanced down at her ear and found a single stud earring hooked in her lobe.

"Did you steal that from me you troublesome woman?"

She sat up and opened her eyes that were obviously smirking, "It fits, do you like it?"

I narrowed my eyes. After the first couple of tours around Konoha my possessions started disappearing. Then I realized that the she-devil was like a bird, only she wasn't attracted to shiny things but my things. It started off simply with simple knickknacks on my dresser but she ended up stealing my old jacket that I used to wear and making a pillow out of it. I was mad when I found out that she stole it but I figured it was being put to good use as a pillow.

"None of my things would ever fit you…that is the number one rule of borrowing from your guide," I retorted showing my hands in my pockets. I never really knew why she needed a guide anymore. She practically lived in Konoha now with all of the secret information she had to pass on to the Kages. It was just another troublesome thing that I would never find out about her.

"Shove it, bastard!" Now let's go to Yoshino's, it must be awfully tiring for her to clean up after you!"

I was about to protest but if I did that I was likely able to get a face full of fan, so I resisted being the good little guide.

"So how are things on the home front?" I asked nonchalantly with my hands behind my head.

"Kankuro still wants to chop your head off…or poison you with his new found collection Chio-baa gave him. I hardly see Gaara anymore but he has been working hard on the Akatsuki case."

I sighed remembering the two members of Akatsuki that killed Asuma, "Gaara is delving into deep chaos….he already knows that those guys aren't normal, you should be worried."

"Gaara can hold his own; he's the Kazekage after all. Don't you have faith in your leader?"

I shrugged, "I don't know anymore…sometimes I regret even being born a human…life is too-"

"Troublesome…yadda, yadda, now you feel like never being born!" The she-devil frowned taking generous steps toward my house.

"I didn't say that…necessarily."

"Oh yes you did!" She stated quickening her pace even more.

It was an all out race to see who could get to my house faster; she was huffing and puffing while taking pride at the race at hand. I challenged her for the spite of it and I started running too.

As usual we both ended up in a tie, catching our breath in front of the gate to my house. In the combat field and practically everything else the she-devil and I are evenly matched.

We looked at each other and started laughing.

"And here you said that Temari-san wasn't your girlfriend yet she keeps on coming over!"

"Cheh, mother, that woman came here on her own accord!" I explained. The she-devil purred with a self-satisfactory smirk, "I swear she is out to get me." The three of us went inside my house.

"Trust me no woman would want someone as chauvinistic as you are!" The she-devil acclaimed pulling something out of her backpack.

"I agree! my son is a good for nothing! He needs more discipline, I keep telling Shikaku to kick him out but he never does!" My mother jolted the spoon she was stirring curry with in my face.

I sighed, "Troublesome…just so long as you get grandchildren, right?"

Her expression changed from sour to sweet and dreamlike, "That would be nice Shika, make sure it happens soon though, Shikaku and I only have-"

"Yoshino, you're very young and lovely, why would you think that you would die soon?" The she-devil said with a flaky buttery tone to suck up to my mother.

I rolled my eyes and leaned on the table looking over at the object the she-devil pulled out of her bag, "What is that?"

Both of the women looked over at the table where a checkered wooden board laid.

"Oh…that is chess!" The woman replied.

"Chess?"

"It's another version of Shougi, I got lazy and decided to bring it. Shall we play?"

"Hn…." I grunted stiffly and sat down across from the devil and looked at the pieces in front of me. The positions were the same and I concluded that I needed to be careful; I never knew when that woman would trick me to beat me at a game. It wouldn't be the first time. She would become bolder with every meeting and tried to distract me from the game with flirting tactics; if I hadn't known any better I would have labeled her a succubus.

She went first by moving her last pawn on her left. I however was careful, I had never played Chess before but since it was very similar to Shougi I decided I was safe.

Through the game I realized that she was using the brute force: the queen.

"The king really is a useless piece," The woman stated, "It hardly does anything and waits for victory or death.

I rolled my eyes finally snagging her queen into a trap, "But that is the reason why he isn't a useless piece. The whole game depends if the king gets taken out or not, isn't that a justified reason to be important?"

The woman shrugged, "I guess, but I still think the king piece is useless other than that. In fact you're kind of like the king: fat, lazy, and good for nothing."

I picked up the queen piece that I finally snagged, "Well you are like the queen: rash, straight forward, and unavoidable."

Then it stung me, we were really like the king and queen pieces. We had said each other's personalities crystal clear. I never knew I could actually do that but still that she-devil surprised me with things I never even knew. She was a tough person to figure out.

"Why are you saving your pawns?" She shouted clearly irked by my choice.

I shrugged, "What if this were a real battle? I would try and save many pieces as possible…even the pawns…" My mind drifted off to what Asuma said, "I bet that makes me a coward not wanting to sacrifice my men."

"No! It's your battle style!" She declared, "What happens in your life shapes your battle style, if I'm straight forward you are discreet with your pieces!"

I looked at her and stifled the laugher rising up in me.

"What?" She looked pissed off.

"You're motivational speeches are weird…" I bit my tongue so the laugher would stop.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, checkmate!"

"What?" I thought she was joking and I looked at the board. I was actually beaten by a girl!

I found her strategy easily: while I was too focused on how all her attacks were forward, she snuck that first pawn down to where my king was and took him out. There was no way I could have missed something like that unless I was completely distracted and off guard, but she had managed to do it once again. I had a feeling that there was a huge dent in my manhood.

Score two for the women.

"Troublesome…"

"Oh chess? Shikaku and I loved playing chess back around your ages!" My mother ran over to the game.

My father came in through the door, "Man this really sucks! Those damn deer won't eat anything!"

I sighed, "You were trying to feed them those troublesome oats?"

He shook his head yes.

"They don't like those oats, didn't you forget?" I gave another sigh as he sat down next to me.

"Ah! Chess!"

"Yes, darling, but…" My mother looked up from the chess board, "YOU NEED TO FEED THE DEER!"

"How about a two on two game first? Older generation versus newer generation!"

"Fine but only if Temari-san and Shikamaru are willing to play."

"Of course, Yoshino, it would be rude not to accept!" The woman smiled, although it was hard for me to determine if it was fake or not.

I had no say in the matter because frankly the dominant people in the house were the women. So even though it was extremely troublesome, I sat down next to the she-devil and played.

In the end the chess match resulted in many arguments about which move we should do and I ended up with many scratches, bruises, and a huge lump on my head courtesy of her fan. Oh, we lost dearly. I never knew my parents could agree and work together like that. I knew that I could work well with the she-devil on occasions but that was when we were fighting and on missions, being more relaxed I felt no need to work well with her.

"Chech, I'm going now…." I got up and intended to get far from that house and her.

I did for awhile but I knew she was following me through the streets.

"What's so good about your pockets?" She asked coming from behind me, tickling my ear with her warm breath.

"What?" I said annoyed, hiding the fact that my heart was racing even more. If there ever was an appropriate time to stab my heart it would have been at that time.

"Why do you always have your hands in your pockets? Is there candy in them?" She purred.

I stiffened even more when I felt hands overlap mine, "W-What are you doing you stupid woman?" I tore her hands out of my pocket and turned around to face her.

"Well it makes you look suspicious…." She acted innocent.

"That face doesn't suit a woman like you."

"Fine, I'll give you that." She retorted frowning.

She sat down on the steps to my cloud watching spot and yawned.

I walked past her up the steps until I spied the clouds I had been wishing to see for so long. After I got up the steps I lied down and started finding shapes in the clouds.

"You know…" That woman said following me up the stairs, "I have a mission soon."

"Good for you."

"S rank."

"So?"

"To intercept some suspicious cargo from the rain village."

My eyes widened, everyone knew that the rain village was at war, "That's too dangerous!" I said containing my alarm, sitting up.

"Oh really?" The devil raised an eyebrow, smirking.

I narrowed my eyes and laid back down, "Troublesome woman….hope you have fun. Bye."

"It may have something to do with the Akatsuki."

This time I didn't care if I hid my alarm or not. I shot up and glared at her, "Now I know that's too dangerous!"

The devil waltzed over to the railing looking over the village and leaned on it, "You don't care that much."

My body felt a stinging sensation in my heart; I was so tempted to yell at her although I contained it.

"Oi, Shikamaru…" She said so softly I didn't even think that the voice came from her, "Can I request something?"

"As long as it isn't too troublesome."

Score three for the women…three strikes I'm out.

"…" She stood there silent for a long time letting the natural elements caress her skin and flow through her hair, "Could you call me Temari just once?"

For once I didn't feel like badgering her or making a smart remark, "Te…Temari…" I muttered.

"Speak louder, idiot!" She sounded harsh, just like her. But something in her voice sounded unsure, something quite insecure.

I didn't know what was happening to me but I walked towards the devil silently. My body was in control and I couldn't stop.

"Temari…" I muttered so close to her ear I could feel the chill go down her spine.

I heard a sniffle, "Wh-What…?" Her voice cracked.

There was nothing I could do as I wrapped my arms around her. I was reacting without my mind in control. It was filled only with the scent of the devil, which smelt so nauseatingly good that it made my brain go haywire.

"Temari." I said sternly once more, turning her around to face me.

I had never seen a devil tear up, especially that devil but in that moment a single tear dropped from her eye and it made her the most beautiful thing on the planet.

"This wasn't suppose to happen…" I thought as my heart raced faster than I ever thought possible, "I was suppose to fall in love with an average woman…but now why do I feel like she is the prettiest woman in the whole entire universe?"

I leaned forward catching her quivering lips with mine. What was I doing? Why? There were so many questions filling my head.

But finally I realized the answer I had been searching for: It didn't matter if she was the ugliest person in the universe because if it was true love she would be the number one prettiest, most beautiful person in my book.

The devil shook away my kiss and glared at me, "What the hell," She reverted back to her normal self, "Listen Nara, we are together now! As in boyfriend and girlfriend!"

I stared at her and I couldn't help but feel a tad bit stupid, "Love…" I thought, "Is something even a genius can't understand…" I then looked into her eyes and realized what made me so made that I couldn't figure it out from the beginning…it was love in her eyes.

She gave me a smirk with those lips. I never knew what I was missing; I was so tempted to kiss her once again regardless of the consequences. So I didn't contain myself and I did just that.

"WHAT?"

"Please, Hokage-sama, I am willing to bow on the ground…let Nara Shikamaru accompany me on my mission!"

"What for?"

"Backup,"

The Hokage sighed, everybody in that office that day knew she was crying. Her eyes were swelled up and glossy, "This isn't my mission to assign but I will talk to the Kazekage and sort it out."

The devil and I joined hands and bowed with gratitude. "Thank you Hokage-sama!" We shouted.

The Hokage gave a quick, sad smile, "Now go already." She faced the window overlooking the village.

We were led out by Shizune and she closed the door, "Is this alright Tsunade-sama?"

"Even if some loves don't work out, I am not the one to suppress something so pure." The Hokage clenched her hands.

"Tsunade-sama…" Shizune worried. She knew that the Hokage had been informed of the Frog Hermit's death and she was not taking it very well.

From outside I looked back upon the Hokage's window and there I saw one lone blonde figure with tears flowing like water works.

"You know this doesn't mean I'm going to treat you differently." I said turning around to walk with the devil.

She just gave me that smirk she always gave me, "I wouldn't have it any other way…"

"Shikamaruuuuuu, Temari-sannnnnn!" A pony tailed figure waved.

"Ah, Ino-chan!" The devil answered back with a wave.

Ino walked up to us and gave a huge grin, "Are you two going out?"

"Like I would ever go out with someone so troublesome." I replied.

"I thought I could spite him, he looked lonely walking by himself." The devil followed.

Ino frowned oblivious to the events prior to their meeting, "Well I have to go meet Chouji, he wanted to tell me something, bye bye!"

Chouji had been nervous all week about asking Ino out. He had been consoling himself in me for quite a while until I told him to just go for it, "Go get her Chou!" I whispered as Ino disappeared out of sight.

As soon as she did I quickly grabbed the she-devil's hand with a smirk.

I knew that even though the mission was going to be hard, I would work harder to protect the one I loved, and even if the times get tough that exhilarating feeling I had was back and it was stronger than ever. Although my women troubles were far from over at least I knew I had my number one.

"Troublesome woman…" I muttered.

"Nara?"

"Yeah?"

"THWACK!" The devil lobbed me over the head with her fan, "The name is TE-MA-RI!"

"Troublesome woman," I smirked once more and gave a fake sigh, "Mom's going to have a heart attack…"

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******Hope you guys enjoyed it! This was originally meant to be a one-shot but it has the potential to be something bigger. Leave a review and tell me what you think, if I should continue or not! Bye bye!**


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